And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
