Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize