Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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