So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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