Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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