i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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