he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
