Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
