he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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