Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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