what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
