I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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