pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
