I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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