Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
