come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
