I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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