so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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