I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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