Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
