He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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