Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
