fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
