i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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