Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
