I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
