I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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