just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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