he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
