Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
