i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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