Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
