im six kinds of drunk right now
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
