he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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