Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
