Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
