I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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