i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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