How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
