I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
