I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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