You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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