Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
