I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize