Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
