So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
