I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
