My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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