Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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