We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
