I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
