In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
