I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
