my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize