Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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