Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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