Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
