well you can't waste a boner
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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