You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
