I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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