I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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