I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
