when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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