I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
