First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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