I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think my moral compass just broke
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