Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
