All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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