In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
